my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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