Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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