I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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