Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
