she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
