Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
