I just threw up on my dentist
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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