my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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