My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
