I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
