Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
