You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
