My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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