I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
