i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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