i wish my penis had a tongue
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
