Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
