Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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