So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
