I wannas sexs uuuuu
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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