Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize