drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
