last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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