Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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