I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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