I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
