Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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