the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Let's get the cat blown out
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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