You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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