I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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