You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
