I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
