how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
