im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
