I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
