Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
