apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
