I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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