I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize