I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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