Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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