party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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