I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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