I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
