fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
