I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
