I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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