don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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