I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
