you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
