I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
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