1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
