I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize