i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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