GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
