my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
