Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
