you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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