that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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