I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
