$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
