just come out here and I will go home with you...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
