Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
