I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
