Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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