When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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