The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
