If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
