Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
