We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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